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Screaming White Noise Page 2
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Blood Oranges, Part I
My Forgotten Faith,
I find myself missing you. Not in the way an adult misses his childhood after awakening to find life isn't the series of dreams he once thought it would be, but in the way a junkie misses his veins once they've collapsed. Without you reminding me of a voice, I am mute.
I know you’ve requested an update, and I wish I had one to share. I mindlessly drag my feet through the miles-per-hour that will lead me to a destination I am now beginning to realize is a place I never wanted to be. It’s sobering. Once every decision has been dissected down to its basic elements that I should have listened to that voice which continually told me to turn left, to turn around, to stop and ask for directions instead of anchoring my foot onto the accelerator down the street polluted with "Wrong Way" signs while circling my fingers clockwise around the volume on the radio to drown out my own insecurities. At least I'll soon fly over the edge where I can unfasten my safety belt and recline my seat while I watch my body become part of the scenery below reassuring myself that everything happens for a reason.
Maybe my remains will make excellent fertilizer that will ultimately spawn the most delicious oranges anyone has ever tasted. Maybe that IS my purpose.
Hoping this letter finds you,
-GB
Closer
...and in that moment the light froze. I had never felt so lost because I had never been so close. This is what I am afraid of. This is what I’ve wanted all along. I managed to pull my eyes away from what had me transfixed in the moment that it would not let me ignore. I tried to claw my way to the surface, but the light had something else in mind. It made sure that I could not run. HELP ME GET AWAY FROM MYSELF. All that had stopped hastily returned. The light refocused. I was left in the dark with a piece of my shirt torn off.
...and in that moment the light froze. I had never felt so alive because I had never been so dead. This is what I live for. This is what I’ve wanted all along. I managed to hide the tears in my eyes from what had me transfixed in the moment that I killed myself. I didn’t try to claw my way to the surface, for my nails had become too brittle from ripping away the layers that made this all possible. I made sure that I could not run. HELP ME, I BROKE A
My Forgotten Faith,
I find myself missing you. Not in the way an adult misses his childhood after awakening to find life isn't the series of dreams he once thought it would be, but in the way a junkie misses his veins once they've collapsed. Without you reminding me of a voice, I am mute.
I know you’ve requested an update, and I wish I had one to share. I mindlessly drag my feet through the miles-per-hour that will lead me to a destination I am now beginning to realize is a place I never wanted to be. It’s sobering. Once every decision has been dissected down to its basic elements that I should have listened to that voice which continually told me to turn left, to turn around, to stop and ask for directions instead of anchoring my foot onto the accelerator down the street polluted with "Wrong Way" signs while circling my fingers clockwise around the volume on the radio to drown out my own insecurities. At least I'll soon fly over the edge where I can unfasten my safety belt and recline my seat while I watch my body become part of the scenery below reassuring myself that everything happens for a reason.
Maybe my remains will make excellent fertilizer that will ultimately spawn the most delicious oranges anyone has ever tasted. Maybe that IS my purpose.
Hoping this letter finds you,
-GB
Closer
...and in that moment the light froze. I had never felt so lost because I had never been so close. This is what I am afraid of. This is what I’ve wanted all along. I managed to pull my eyes away from what had me transfixed in the moment that it would not let me ignore. I tried to claw my way to the surface, but the light had something else in mind. It made sure that I could not run. HELP ME GET AWAY FROM MYSELF. All that had stopped hastily returned. The light refocused. I was left in the dark with a piece of my shirt torn off.
...and in that moment the light froze. I had never felt so alive because I had never been so dead. This is what I live for. This is what I’ve wanted all along. I managed to hide the tears in my eyes from what had me transfixed in the moment that I killed myself. I didn’t try to claw my way to the surface, for my nails had become too brittle from ripping away the layers that made this all possible. I made sure that I could not run. HELP ME, I BROKE A
Screaming White Noise